Canadians say the Darndest Things


My father was born in Welland, Ontario. He never returned, got to know it. Yea as a kid he played pond hockey; that is until a puck broke open his forehead. But that was in Utica. I don’t know where I found my love of hockey but by 1990 I started visiting Canada to see professional games.

Fantastically friendly people, I knew that from teammates, who had immigrated south. Canadians can be in the shower with a bald guy and ask with total sincerity “you got any shampoo?” (Who can make this shit up, especially when you’re the bald guy.) Canadians are that natural; that funny.

Now over a decade living in New England I own Canadian property. In 2006 we did our annual July camping vacation with the kids in Nova Scotia. We’d check out the parcel, since I bought it online.

As usual, we forgot that we’d have to camp with campers. It became obvious once again that people who camp for vacation are those people who can’t afford hotels or they are not allowed in them.

Campers have fortitude though. They drink into the night around the camp fire. Without much entertainment, fire is trumped by stargazing. Stargazing then conquered by beers. It gets louder, rowdier, cutting into the quiet enjoyment of other campers.

It’s no different in Canada as the States, except for the accents. But that’s not why they’re so naturally funny, even when riled, ready for a fight.

And so it was as the piercing morning cry of an unhappy toddler, cut through the thin vinyl tent walls of hung-over adults on air mattresses. I was clutching that wailing toddler when some angered anonymous Scottish-Canadian accent yelled into the dawn “MIND YOUR BAY-BEE!” To my horror suddenly another anonymous brogue replied, “SHUT YOUR GODDAMN MOUTH!


What a volley! Prickly Canadians, they’re as funny on ground as on ice.

Hours later a medium-sized, muscular mustachioed man in a ratty, faded ball cap approached me. I knew it was one of them. Demurely his brogue spilled, “I just wanted to apologize for my foul language this morning. “Those assholes give NO-va SCO-tians a bad name”, as he pointed nowhere.

Keeping a straight face I accepted the apology, explaining my toddler’s mother “went to the showers. She hadn’t slept well” (leaving off that she was kept up by all of you last night).

One would think they would be considerate of children. Kids were running wild all over the campground.

A majority of the campers were vacationing from homes less than five miles down the road. Winters are long. Canadians have space and they need space. Their kids were running, swimming, biking, screaming – mostly unsupervised throughout the roads, playground and pool.

One young man in particular madly peddled through the dirt roads, braking, power sliding, kicking up rocks at cars, campers and tents every day. Confidently on his BMX he played chicken with moving cars. Unwittingly he was a Canadian Dennis the Menace; Canadian kooky and cocky.

I responded though like a foreigner.

I chastised him after he damn near catapulted head-long into tents. Later that day walking from the office, he saw me and ran over, “you’re American, uh?

I agreed.

All of ten years he asks, “what’s it like being a Super Power?” I hesitated a reply as he added, “my dad said you’re going to be fighting wars a longtime.

Chuckling, I stopped. I said, “you’re dad’s a smart man. I think he’s right.
With that the kid nodded and ran off.

I thought of him today. I wonder what his dad’s telling him now.

My hope is that Canadians never lose their sense of humor, energy and comfortable innocence. They have an acute sense of proportion, perspective. It’s simply tough living with some neighbors at times.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s